Have a horse you can't catch? Click here for help!

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Avoiding Regret and Living in the Moment

I started this blog about three thousand years ago. It feels like it's been that long. So much has gone on. I could list it all, but that would just bore everyone. The most important thing is that after almost a decade together, I helped my 31 year old guy across the rainbow bridge.

It was clinical, spiritual, and beautiful all at the same time. The call came while I was on the road two hours away from the barn. I was headed down for a class reunion, of all things. The rockstar awesome barn owners assured me that I didn't need to come for the euth if I couldn't make it - they would be happy to handle it for me. I came anyway.

I took the lead rope and didn't just fight back tears; I tried to keep my face from spasming into an ugly cry. Again, they offered to take care of it for me. No, he was my partner, my ride or die....I was in it till the end. Against the setting sun I thanked him for teaching me and apologized for not being better. My words congealed into a mantra: "Thank you, I love you, I'm sorry..."

The proper fluids were administered and down he went. The vet checked his heart one last time to tell me he was gone. I saw how frail he looked lying on the ground and didn't spend much time with the body. He was already gone. And afterward there was relief.

I believe in at least attempting to regret-proof my life. I knew I'd regret not returning to say goodbye. I knew I'd regret not being by his side at the end. Ideally, my footwear would have been more substantial than the pair of Nike flip-flops I left the house in that day, but I think my regret-proofing was on the right side of history.

Godspeed, Holiday. Come and see me in my dreams often.