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Thursday, December 29, 2011

Born That Way

I have at least three Facebook friends dealing with barfing children. Folks are chiming in with advice. I'm holding back because my gut reaction is to say a)Ewwww and b) get in your car and drive far far away in the opposite direction.

Animals won't make me sick.

Parents who fail to quarantine their sick children deserve to wait on me when their crotch droppings get me sick. They should have to fetch my Slushies, pay for my Kindle and iTunes downloads, and any other online shopping I choose to do. I'll just tell them Smartpak donates a percentage of their earnings to schools.

My dog isn't welcome at family gatherings. But he won't make you sick or tell you you're fat or take over the tv. His paws aren't sticky. You didn't have to buy him a gift.

My brother-in-law and sister-in-law are bad pet parents. I asked over the holiday how many dogs they had. Apparently they got rid of one of them because it was too hyper around the children. My mother-in-law repeated in all seriousness: "they just had to." I just had to remind myself to breathe. This is what training kids to dispose of animals looks like. I spend so much time around animal-centric people, I forget folks think like this. "They just had to". I think all they just have to do is a) quit acquiring new animals and b) fuck off.

I wish it were socially acceptable to act as grossed out about children as people act about my animals. They'll pet my dog twice and then they get all, okay that's enough, he can leave me alone now. So I make it happen! Can you imagine if I said about a persons's kid: "Okay, that's enough, get him away from me now. I'm good"? Usually my face is saying this at about a thousand decibels, anyway.

When I find out someone is pregnant (gravid) my first thought is, "I hope they don't ask me to hold it. Gross" Once the kid is verbal and doesn't stare at me blankly I'm good. Until then it's: "I like your stuffed varmint." Blank stare. "Look at the bird in the tree." Blank stare. "Auntie Witty Horse is like the witch from Hansel and Gretel, only without a candied house." Blank stare.

I wonder whose carbon footprints are bigger: horse owners or parents? I need to decide whether to feel apologetic or superior.


  1. this is my new favorite blog, I feel the exact same way about children and pets :) (i have three dogs, two cats, and lease a horse... my animals ARE my children!)

  2. you are awesome.